Modern Marriage is Tough

–bumped–

“Their lives had gotten more and more separated.” – AP

Al and Tipper Gore are separating. I hope they get the peace to do it in private.

From Politico:

“We are announcing today that after a great deal of thought and discussion, we have decided to separate … This is very much a mutual and mutually supportive decision that we have made together following a process of long and careful consideration. We ask for respect for our privacy and that of our family, and we do not intend to comment further.”

As regulars around here know, back in the 1990s, I spent a lot of time interviewing people about relationships, dating and sex. So I must say I don’t find this particularly shocking in the scheme of modern life. This is doubly so given the busy, even frenetic lives of people as committed to work as Al and Tipper gore.

Marriage has been reinvented in the modern era, because of women’s independence from men, which was not how marriage began. The equality of the two partners is another difference in how marriage was originally imagined. This is a great thing for everyone, because if marriage hadn’t evolved, with men forced to change, there would no longer be marriages worth having.

“Growing old together” is not very sexy anymore. That’s a good thing, as the notion of aging has been turned on its head. The sexes are experiencing a rejuvenation in life. Mid-life men’s crises, wanting to feel young again by hooking up with someone youthful, often coincided with a time when women became disinterested in sex because of hormone changes. This is now being met and combated with women taking hormone replacement in their 40s, which often mitigates the imbalance before trouble begins.

As for the Gores, sometimes independent, busy people simply grow apart while living their separate lives. This is a very simple explanation for a heartbreaking event.

I’m not sure why people immediately are weighing in with incoming emails lauding the Clinton marriage, as the news of the Gores separation broke. As far as is known, Al Gore was faithful for 40 years, which was reiterated today. The same cannot be said of the serial philandering of William Jefferson Clinton. Certainly Al Gore never disgraced and humiliated Tipper the way Bill Clinton did Hillary, not once, but many times over. At least Bill Clinton didn’t stoop to the depths of depravity of John Edwards. But few women would have forgiven, let alone stayed around as Hillary Rodham Clinton has done. I’m not sure that this tenacity by Mrs. Clinton is particularly helpful in the normal scheme of modern relationships. In fact, it’s more of an anomaly. Few modern women would have put up with such a public airing of marital dirty laundry, let alone kept the marriage together. It’s why many young women simply cannot relate to Hillary.

As for divorce after 40 years, we are now living longer and having fuller lives than any time in history. This is especially true for women, who are no longer financially dependent on their husbands.

As for marriage itself, it was never designed to make it through life spans that now tilt into the 80s and 90s. Childhood sweethearts hitting their 60s now find another lifetime spreading out before them. It makes you think, but also wonder what else you have to discover with one another.

The modern era brings many challenges, relationships suffering the most. It must also be said that just because you stay together doesn’t mean a marriage has worked better. Sometimes religion forms the bond that cannot be broken, even if the marriage has long ago ceased to mean what marriage is to mean.

In other cases, two people just reach the end of the road on which they began. There is no more mystery or sensual chemistry, a friendship blooming in place of romance. This is great if you’re 80; not so exciting if you’re healthy and only in your 60s.

Life expectancy can throw ’til death do us part into a tailspin, to which the famous are not immune.

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